Okay is My Forever
by xX Swimmie Xx
Summary: 'I am in love with you Hazel Grace...' Okay? No, she's definitely not Okay. She misses him, and the glimmer of hope she had after his death has gone out. In a desperate attempt to find that light again, she finds him. [Oneshot]


**I read TFiOS a little while ago and... thank you John Green, for gifting the world such an amazing book. Hazel and Augustus - and everyone will live in our hearts. None of them will ever die. I think that this book is the saddest thing, only Allegiant's ending beats the feels from this damn book. **

**AS OF 2014-05-15 THERE ARE 22 DAYS 'TILL TFiOS MOVIE!**

**I saw a post on Google+, it said:**

_**The Fault in Our Stars is a book which you can throw at someone - hardcover and all - and it won't be nearly as painful as the story.**_

**That is so true. I believe this would happen after the book ended. Honestly, everyone says Hazel moves on, and I've experienced loss, and you NEVER EVER EVER EVER _EVER get over it. _You learn to cope with it, there. I said it! :) **

**Listen to 'Nightcore - Nothing' and 'Nightcore - Light up the Sky'!**

**Oh - and congrats to Conchita for winning Eurovision 2014!**

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Ignore my shitty ass attempt at writing something in English. I don't know it _very _wel. .

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**WARNING: This contains SPOILERS!**

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Three months since...

Three months since I collapsed.

Three months since my forever ended.

Three months since Gus died.

I'm over him, or I can make others think that. I used to be a horrible liar, but his death changed me in so many ways. I'm a better liar, and better at concealing things. _Better in exploiting secrecy._

My parents thought that I was over it about a week after he died. How wrong they were. I never forgot him. Even if I didn't remember him in my conscious memory, he always found a way into my life. Even in death. He'd slip into my mind when I was doing my homework, or in my dreams. In more recent days, he had stopped, completely. I took this as a sign that I was over him.

After brushing my white teeth, I slipped into bed. I silently pulled my magenta covers up. I look at my left to check what's on my bedside table: my MP3 player, and a finished bottle of coke. I know I'm not supposed to drink fizzy drinks in case they irritate my lungs, but I do it anyway, I relieve the pain that way. What pain? The never ending numbness that never has stayed faithfully by my side for the past few months. I see that my MP3 player is fully charged, so I plug the earplugs into my ears. I've set it on random. I want to change the order so that I will be awake for longer. I want to think.

Unfortunately, I don't stay awake. I remember the last song that played, **his** favourite. I've stopped saying- or thinking- his name, in case I don't cry. I started school three months ago, too, and everyone would say his name simply to make me cry. I didn't.

_So sleepy…_

_**Light light light up the sky **_

_**You light up the sky to show me You are with me **_

_Can't… fight… it..._

_**I can't deny**_

_**No I can't deny that You are right here with me**_

_**You've opened my eyes**_

_..._

So I can see You all around me

I doze off for a few seconds or so. I_ think._

_**So I run straight into Your arms**_

_**You're the bright and morning sun**_

_**To show Your love there's nothing You won't do**_

I don't cry, and I fall asleep. I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, like anyone with lung cancer would.

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_I wake up with warm fuzzy feeling in my throat. It then moves down to my stomach. And I feel like puking, and I do, but it's like puking without the puke coming out. It's very strange, really._

_I see him in front of me._

_Augustus Waters. In flesh and bone._

_Suddenly I feel like crying. And I do, the wooden floor beneath me twists and turns, like in a kaleidoscope. I run towards him and hug him, I notice that I'm not wearing my oxygen support, but my weak lungs feel fine. Strangely._

_I collide into him and hug him as hard as I can, knocking the air out of him. The drizzle of tears turns into a downpour. And I can't stop crying, my body shaking so heavily, I'm clutching him for support. Are my lungs making me feel so weak? I can't tell. Maybe it's the emotions inside me. I can't tell._

_I see a sad smile appear on his face._

_"Hazel..." he begins_

_Then he disappears. I swear, loudly._

_My tears have turned into angry screams. I wail, and thrash. The floor beneath me disappears and I wail as it pulls me, like I'm being sucked into a vacuum._

_"I'm always with you..."_

_Him again._

And then I wake up. Palms sweaty, and tears in my eyes. I don't allow them to flow. I get out of bed. Pulling on a purple t-shirt and pink pyjamas. I want to walk. Let it out in some way, and walking seems so appealing to me right now.

I walk outside, not bothering to leave a note. No point in it, and I'll be back soon.

I walk around the neighbourhood, I stop and sit outside his house. Not outside the doorstep, like sit on the fence. His parents have been trying to ignore me the best they can, to them, apparently I'm the reason they lost their son. Tears stream down their - and my - eyes when the see me.

I walk farther down. Until I reach a small park, its abandoned by the look of it; rusted swings, unkempt grass, and a deadly feel to it. Like I'm walking towards something scary, except, nothing scares me now so I keep on walking.

I see a shooting star, and countless other constellations. I don't wish on it, I don't want anything now. Not now, not ever.

My eyes and thoughts aren't focused on the shooting stars, though. They're focused on a small star off in the corner, it lights and then dims - resembling a bulb, on and off. It seems so lonely, and I notice that after a while the star takes longer intervals - the dimmer times being longer, and the lighted ones being briefer. As if it is loosing its will to stay alight. I don't know how long has passed, but after a while I see another star, lighting up next to it. Both of the stars remain alight for a while, none of them dimming. Then the newcomer, i.e. the newer star suddenly dims and doesn't relight. The other star dims slowly. And it remains barely alight. I recognize these two stars as me and Gus.

I don't want to cry, but small tears leak out.

For some strange reason, I can hear him. He says, "You know, I miss you too."

I am hallucinating. I am hallucinating, I'm sure of it. I think I see him out of the corner of my eye, but I don't confirm it. I don't want to.

"I'm here for you..."

I jerk my head backwards. I don't see him. But it felt like he was there.

I kick my foot into a tree stump. Just to let the anger out.

I run back to the house. I want to go back home.

I pass Gus's house. The lights of every house are off. Even the street lights aren't turned on. There's plentiful moonlight though. I'm glad there is, I would be stumbling if it wasn't there.

Slowly, I walk back into the polished kitchen. Neat and clean like always.

I stray away from my thoughts of going back to sleep. I know what I want to do, and this time I intend to leave a note. I hastily pull out a strip of a yellow 'sticky' note from the pad. I write slowly and carefully, checking each word again and again. I write, "I need to go see someone, I might not be back for a while. -Hazel."

I chew the inside of my lip, I know I'll be gone for a long time. And I have no regrets. I tape it to the counter.

I walk outside.

I walk. I walk until my feet become sore, even then, I still walk. I don't know how long I've been walking. I walk until I see a small cliff.

Gosh, where am I?

I reach the tip of the cliff. It is bare, no grass. Only bronze earth. And below I see a valley of green, yellow and countless other colours. I take a deep breath. And I walk, the same way I have been for the past few hours. It is barely sunrise now, the sun is coming up rapidly.

One step till the edge. And I walk that one step.

I don't know what happens next. I feel like I'm floating. I see him, and I know this time that it is real. I run into his arms.

I don't know where I am, but I might be happy here.

_Maybe okay will be my forever._

_Forever..._

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**Name: Okay is My Forever**

**Words: 1,314**

**Date: 7/5/14**

**Fandom [etc...]: The Fault in our Stars - John Green**

**POV: Hazel Grace Lanster**

**Language: English**

**Songs: Nightcore ~ Light up the sky**

watch?v=7RjzF0MiVT4 [Put youtube and stuff before that !]


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